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	THE PRETENDER
	I hear two things a lot. "Don't I know you" and "You know who you look like?" Respective answers being "Absolutely not" and "I have an idea." It seems I just have one of those malleable faces that contorts to people's recollections. So the question stands, is being a highly recognizable non-person a boon or blessing? Well, yes and no. Yes because I get associated with all sorts of kooky people which is fun in that "Hey, look at me" kind of way. And, no because you, or more applicably I, don't necessarily get affiliated with the most desirable personalities. Now it's not like people think I'm some distant relation to Adolf Hitler or Pauly Shore, but I will on occasion find myself looking into the mirror days after such an encounter muttering to myself about how someone could make such a ludicrous connection. Regardless, this phenomenon is about three sightings short of an X-File so I've decided to begin tracking these instances in that over the years I have forgotten many of the one and/or two-time affiliations and wish, in hindsight, I had a comprehensive listing of the troop of people who look like me. Also, please don't get the impression that I only get likened to celebrities. There are a lot of cousins in Ohio, people from the office and grocery store baggers I look like as well. I've asked other people if this happens to them and most report to the contrary. So I don't know if I'm simply sporting some chameleon like countenance which has yet to be scientifically documented or if I'm just that vanilla of a guy. Whatever the case, it's a freakshow out there and I invite you to acquaint yourself with the people, who according to other people, I most look like in order of opinion.

	MISTAKEN IDENTITY
			Casey Kasem Claim to Fame: the voice of American Top 40 Age of Occurance: all through college and occasionally still today Accuracy Meter: if votes equals truth, then i'm casey's love child Mitigating Circumstance: i wear a lot of suits from the sixties There was about a 3 year stretch in my life where I heard this every 30-60 days. While I don't greatly sound like the seasoned top 40 man, I don't greatly look like him either, but I think that when you mix enough of each it sparks some sort of pavlovian synapse in many people. And, no I won't say "keep your feet on the ground and head in the sky" so you might as well table that for some other schmuck.
			Frankie Avalon Claim to Fame: 1965's Beach Blanket Bingo Age of Occurance: early college Accuracy Meter: just behind Casey in the occurance meter which validates it to some degree. Mitigating Circumstance: dark haired, skinny, olive-complected guy...guilty as charged. Frankie is the runner up and was typically cited in more casual settings. While I'd kinda like this one to beat out Casey, it never quite made it. The most unfortunate thing to come out of this relation was all of the truly bad Beach Blanket Bingo jokes. There's not as much material there as you may think Annette.
			Butch Patrick Claim to Fame: Eddie Munster of The Munsters Age of Occurance: mid-college Accuracy Meter: i'd vote for zero percent Mitigating Circumstance: people are stupid This one cut. It's one thing to look like Frankie or even Casey, but Eddie Munster was an absolute show-stopper to any scene I may have been playing. We in the business call it a death blow. It was this occasional revelation that made me shudder whenever I heard, "Hey, has anyone ever told you you look like…" I knew Eddie was always a decent contender and heard it enough to worry, but not enough to have ever crafted a graceful exit from the observation. It's hard to retort over the cackles of twenty plus people.
			Pete Sampras Claim to Fame: don't waste my time Age of Occurance: from his rise in power to date Accuracy Meter: this confusion has never been raised on a tennis court Mitigating Circumstance: neither of us could ever feather our hair Truth be told, my grandmother makes this claim more than anyone else, but I have had an additional person or three make the assessment as well. If I'm in a foul mood, I have been known to say "Who's he?" While I'm sure this is more fun for me than the recipient, I still can't hold the words down.
			Robert Romanus Claim to Fame: Mike Damone of Fast Times at Ridgemont High Age of Occurance: high school Accuracy Meter: happened enough for me to remember it happened Mitigating Circumstance: i was in high school, had a lazy voice and was fairly cynical Oh, you know it's a proud day in the life of a young man when someone says, "You know, you're the spittin' image of that guy in Fast Times, yeah, the ticket scalper who stole his friend's chick, yeah, Damone. Hey Steve, come and look at this guy, doesn't he look just like Damone from Fast Times?" For the uninitiated, Damone would be the guy in Fast Times that everyone hated. The ultra-bad news here is that this connection is more of a voice/personality connection than physical. Given Mike Damone's rep in Fast Times this is one of the less flattering associations I've been blessed with.
			Adrian Pasdar Claim to Fame: Declan Dunn in Mysterious Ways Age of Occurance: 04.30.2001 Accuracy Meter: i wish Mitigating Circumstance: i think the person who made this comment is blind in one eye It's these obscure connections people make that crack me up. Given the above cast, I'd think the person would nab one of them out of the air, but it's nice to mix it up every now and then.
			Bret Boone Claim to Fame: Seattle Mariners second baseman Age of Occurance: 07.31.2001 Accuracy Meter: i guess eddie munster wasn't so bad after all Mitigating Circumstance: at least he gets to wear a hat for a living If you grafted sarah michelle gellar's nose onto my face or my face on sarah michelle gellar's nose, this guy's own mother wouldn't be able to tell us apart. And, in the event you think that ole Bret here doesn't look so much like me, you can take your pick of the other three guys in the original photo that was sent to me because in poor lighting I think I could pass for any of them. And, yes even the guy with all of the tawny muscles.
			Boat Guy Claim to Fame: reliable peruvian boat guy Age of Occurance: 11.25.2001 Accuracy Meter: neither kodak or bookguy can tell a lie Mitigating Circumstance: the last time i was in a boat, my wife almost drowned This correlation is flattering only in the sense that I, in more ways than I care to share, am quite envious of this fellow. In the photo sent to me, he looks as though he enjoys what he does and if that is truly the case, then we are brethren at philosophy in the least.
			Antonio Sabato Jr. Claim to Fame: ungodly beautiful guy Age of Occurance: 08.08.2003 Accuracy Meter: now this is what i'm talking about!!!! Mitigating Circumstance: unfortunately it's not what everyone else is talking about. Two things to know about the guy who fostered this comparison. 1. he is my biggest fan 2. i think we have met but this leads me to believe that we are nothing more than penpals. because if this was true, i don't think i'd be holed up in my study talking to you all. i'd be out living the life i only pretend to be living from the safe and dark confines of my computer room. but, if you'd like to see me in my full beauty go here, because it's quite the thing.

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