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it was almost eleven o'clock on a friday evening and i was driving to the apple store to pick up my copy of their new operating system, tiger. as for the late hour, they were open until midnight in honor of the software's release. i stopped on the way for gas and as i headed inside to pay, a youngish woman jumped out of a parked car and dashed in just before me, beating me to the counter. she purchased her item and then turned around in place and just stood there facing me for what i would call an uncomfortable period of time. our frozen pose reminded me of my junior high square dancing unit in PE, although anabel dunbar, my then-partner, did not greet me with an eight-inch valley of fake-tanned cleavage.

i've never been confronted like this before so wasn't sure exactly what to do. historically, when in uncertain predicaments i've been a fan of the 'no sudden movements' offense AND defense. this time was not an exception. after ten seconds i looked down watching my toe dig around the tile floor. after twenty seconds i scratched my ear, acting as though she was still engaged in her transaction and everything was fine. after thirty silent seconds, she walked off. i turned to watch her leave and then stepped forward. my eyes met the clerk's, questioningly. he shrugged his shoulders indifferently and took my credit card.

i wanted to ask him if he thought that lady just made a pass at me but felt consulting a boy fifteen years my junior about the nuances of attraction may color me a rookie, so i said nothing. i also figured he may not know what the phrase 'made a pass' even meant in which case i could adjust my question to ask if he thought 'she was trying to tap that', but it occurred to me that i'm not entirely certain on the usage rules for things being or getting 'tapped' so i again held my tongue (because, at the end of the day, i am not eager to misuse euphemisms for intercourse with young men i'm alone with and don't know. my luck would certainly make it so he'd take my overture as an advance on him, by me, and i'd find myself being violated with my face buried in a pallet of pepsi and fostering a latent appreciation of how complex the english language truly is).

so i was left to determine what had occurred all on my own. i concluded that this girl was making some sort of torrid gesture towards me but it was irrelevant because as you and i both know, i'm a committed man, committed to getting the new apple OS that night. i figured a distinguished lady trawling for love at a shell gas station may not wish to postpone making the two-backed beast with a stranger so he could go buy a computer accessory. and, don't think for a moment that our spontaneous act of animalistic love-making would not have to wait until i not only purchased the software, but also had it installed. and, then there's the configuration of it all. i mean, all told, we're talking tuesday, maybe even wednesday before i have time to get jiggy wid it.

and 'oh well' continues to be my life's most fitting mantra.

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JUN2005

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