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marty grew up in a very science-minded home. her father was a cardiologist. her mother an ex-nurse. two of her brothers would grow up to be doctors. marty herself, a high school science teacher. in her house, one didn't take a dump, they had a bowel movement. one didn't drop ass, they simply experienced a bout of flatulence. and, there was nothing humorous about that flatulence. you see, terribly science-minded.

given this, it should not shock you that till this very day there is a thermometer on the kitchen counter back splash with black printed letters on the case that reads R E C T A L. logically there is a second unmarked thermometer which proved suitable for any other orifices and crannies. as an adult i can look at that medicinal instrument without giggling. ok, i just lied. i did snicker, but it was definitely not more than a snicker. you see, i am a man with an as-of-yet unchecked prostate and colon so seeing the word RECTUM printed on anything is not something i take lightly.

now i know none of us are naive enough to think that having a browneye-specific thermometer in a home where seven children were raised would not create unique opportunities. the most infamous and routine thermometer prank happened when one of the younger children would be sitting on the couch getting their temperature taken, orally. an older sibling would point and shriek at the child. "OH MY GOD! the rectal case is on the counter and you have it in your mouth! HOW GROSS! OHHHH NOOOO!!" imagine the hysteria caused in a seven year upon hearing this accusation. hell, seven year old nothing. if someone even alluded to the fact that i had something in my mouth that had previously visited each and every bottom in my house, you'd need a straightjacket to get me calmed down. and by the way, that particular item is hanging in their hall closet.

JAN2004

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