mono as in one or me. rail as in to vent or complain. thus monorail.
     
MONORAIL

Weblog
current
archives
random

Search dearmitt.com

Biographical
what i'm remembering
what i'm eating
who i'm looking like
what i'm coveting

Books
what i'm reading
me vs mla's top 100

Film
me vs afi's top 100

Music
what i'm hearing

The Net
what you're wanting

Contact


 
MONORAIL: BY SUBJECT [current]   [random]
VIDEO, HUMOR (permalink) 10.25.2013
i do love me a good life story
the story i'm after starts at the 28:10 mark (which the video should start at or close to).






HUMOR, VIDEO (permalink) 05.06.2011
i would have gravied my drawers
the email sending this link to me had the subject line "Japanese people are so mean to each other with their pranks!". it was not kidding. the friend who sent me this showed me another video from this show that was so cruel it couldn't even be deemed funny (it involved people getting shot). but this video had me laughing out loud and hopefully will do the same for you. great stuff.

i so miss the original candid camera.






HUMOR, VIDEO (permalink) 07.30.2010
got nothin' on my manscape






VIDEO, HUMOR (permalink) 04.30.2010
truth in advertising





HUMOR, VIDEO (permalink) 03.05.2010
your friday chuckle.





HUMOR, VIDEO (permalink) 02.26.2010
in case you haven't laughed yet this week





HUMOR, VIDEO (permalink) 02.12.2010
dil does what?
if you're like me (earlier in the week) and haven't yet heard of dimitri martin, you're about to enjoy, for the first time, the smart, comedic stylings of a very talented young man. if you're not like me and consider dimitri last year's news, settle down because there isn't a more re-consumable you tube clip than this large pad spot ... except maybe louis ck's bit on conan.






PHOTO, HUMOR (permalink) 12.03.2009
did i mention that bella is a girl scout




WEB, HUMOR (permalink) 07.23.2009
i see it NOW! no NOW! NOW!
i just found out brian regan is coming to town september 12. i became smitten with him after someone (sa) told me about this eye doctor bit which used to not be on youtube but is now.

if any local folks are going to the show, let me know so i can keep an eye out for you.






HUMOR (permalink) 07.08.2009
from the mailbag
religious folks spreading joy through accidental church bulletins.
  • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  • The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
  • Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
  • Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
  • The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
  • Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  • This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
  • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!




HUMOR, VIDEO (permalink) 03.05.2009
it's not possible for me to like this guy any more than i do right now





HUMOR (permalink) 08.13.2008
get 'em while you can
for any ira fans, he's coming to town. i'll see you there.






HUMOR (permalink) 07.10.2008
close to home
This guy goes to the doctor to get his first prostate exam. The doc puts on his glove and sticks his fingers in to take a look. After awhile he says,

"Son, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is you don't have prostate cancer!"

The guy says "So whats the bad news?"

Doc tells him, "You'll have to stop masturbating."

"Why?" the guy asks.

Doc says, "Because it's making me nervous!"

via big ed




HUMOR, VIDEO (permalink) 12.07.2006
probably not safe for work

click to jump



VIDEO, TELEVISION, HUMOR (permalink) 01.10.2006
but i don't even own a cellphone

click to watch

more than one person has commented to me that they imagine this is how i am at work. it is clear to me that those people either ...
  1. work with me currently
  2. worked with me in the past
  3. have or had a hidden camera set up in my office.



HUMOR (permalink) 02.20.2004
yeah, i don't think i'll be making it by today
from the ever-reliable chavez, one of the better joke emails i've received as of late. but, perhaps it speaks to me in that special way given the number of times this very thought has run through my mind.

Employee: "I'm sorry boss, but I can't come in today. My doctor says I'm suffering from Anal Glaucoma."

Boss: "Anal Glaucoma??? What the hell is that?"

Employee: "Well basically, for the next few days, I just can't see my ass coming in to work."




HUMOR (permalink) 11.20.2003
my wednesday night was way better than your wednesday night





QUOTES, HUMOR (permalink) 06.19.2003
i'll be out in the garden dear
sleeping with calista flockheart would be like having intercourse with a bag of rakes.
howard stern




HUMOR (permalink) 12.13.2002
who's your buddy, who's your pal?
sedaris.jpg

well, if you consider the four prime tickets to the david sedaris reading this april that are tacked to the wall of wonder, i'd say i am. so we've established that i'm your buddy, but the more pressing matter is are you mine? do you deem yourself worthy of one of these golden tickets to what is sure to be a night of hilarious bliss.

it's time to separate the alphas from the betas and see who really, really, viscerally, wants to be the one, or three, on my arm come showtime.

now i know many of you would consider marty to be a logical candidate. i'd advise you to consider again because after somewhere between 11 and 15 years of comments like "what's your website address again" and "no, a little to the left, a lot really, just start going left and i'll tell you when to stop" or the daily ritual of getting struck about the head and told that i'm going to be late for work again if i don't get my odor-ridden ass moving, i assure you, her ticket is up for grabs, way up.




QUOTES, BOOKS, HUMOR (permalink) 12.12.2002
it's not just me that talks about em
Like anyone else, I maintained a healthy interest in farts, all ten varieties - the silent but deadly, the slow leaks, the hissers, fizzers, poppers, croakers, bangers, cheek-flappers, tail-gunners, and cargo farts, the ones that deliver a load - and this one was in a class all its own. A small dark cloud of a fart such as an alien from outer space might deliver to Earth, necessitating the evacuation of cities.
excerpt from garrison keillor's Lake Wobegon Summer 1956




SPORTS, HUMOR, NEWS (permalink) 10.30.2002
an all-new level of shrinkage
just in case anyone hasn't yet heard about this guy at the Calgary hockey game who stripped naked and jumped on the ice, slipped and knocked himself out, i thought i'd share the following photo from the event.

it is possibly one of the best shots of this ilk i've seen in some time, capturing the mood of a moment. the range of expressions from the people looking on is astounding. and how the supports for the glass obstruct the guys package is also perfect.

i've also included an account from someone who was supposedly sitting next to the guy.

thanks for the forward bomber.




HUMOR (permalink) 04.10.2002
my favorite far side

would you believe this one never got published? shocking.


  


QUOTES, HUMOR, FAITH (permalink) 01.24.2002
even when i go to the bathroom
the first thing they teach kids is that there’s a god -- an invisible man in the sky who is watching what they do and who is displeased with some of it. there’s no mystery why they start that with kids, because if you can get someone to believe that, you can add on anything you want.
george carlin on things he has learned




QUOTES, BOOKS, HUMOR (permalink) 01.07.2002
i won't have it
The woman in charge of costuming assigned us our outfits and gave us a lecture on keeping things clean. She held up a calendar and said, “Ladies, you know what this is. Use it. I have scraped enough blood out from the crotches of elf knickers to last me the rest of my life. And don’t tell me, ‘I don’t wear underpants, I’m a dancer.’ You’re not a dancer. If you were a real dancer you wouldn’t be here. You’re an elf and you’re going to wear panties like an elf.
excerpt from Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris




QUOTES, BOOKS, HUMOR (permalink) 07.20.2001
There is beauty in all things
It was Easter Sunday in Chicago, and my sister Amy and I were attending an afternoon dinner at the home of our friend John. The weather was nice, and he'd set up a table in the backyard so that we might sit in the sun. Everyone had taken their places, when I excused myself to visit the bathroom, and there, in the toilet, was the absolute biggest turd I have ever seen in my life - no toilet paper or anything, just this long and coiled specimen, as thick as a burrito. [more]
excerpt from Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris

A fortunate few of you have already heard tell of my similar experience while visiting the nearby and ominous Amish country, mid-west chapter. For those who questioned my motives for sharing this taboo yarn, I now present the academic work of Mr. Sedaris as my evidence that it is noteworthy, it is interesting, and it is very, very funny.

The word 'turd' appeared six times in this short story. I actually had to add it to my word processor's local dictionary for convenience.

While Microsoft Word does not recognize the word turd, it can automagically change "Ameria" to "America".

Nicholson Baker, in his work the Fermata, referred to the male member approximately 67 times and never used the same descriptor twice.




HUMOR, ART (permalink) 05.22.2001
paint by prime number art
I spent last week up in St Paul on a work gig. In the facility I was located they threw gobs of art up on the walls to lessen the Orwellian effects of the cube city these folks work in. Before this trip I've heard tell of those starving artist shows but never thought anyone went let alone purchased the stuff. The majority of the pieces represented here could have been painted by your grandmother or the shut-in next door.

One work in particular caught my eye. I passed it, stopped, took a few steps back and found myself studying it for what could have been three minutes. I later called a colleague over and asked what he thought was going on in this scene. He proclaimed ignorance but was pretty sure they were standing on the cheek of the guy in the Norelco commercials.




HUMOR (permalink) 05.21.2001
Laughing out loud once a day is good for your heart
If Kathleen Madigan stops at a town near you, consider her a must see. I caught her show Saturday night and the woman who is often called the funniest 'female' comic in the country, may very well check in with the top 10 comics, gal or guy, in our illustrious and demanding nation sharing slots with the likes of carlin, miller, rock and seinfeld. Her unique delivery leaves you feeling as though you've just hung out with her at a party for an hour and she floored you with her valley drawl and self-deprecating tales.

The opening comic of the night, whose name evades me, actually painted the best image of the evening when he compared the water in a hot tub at a strip joint to the liquid aftermath of making a hot dog. If you've ever gazed into the murky swill left behind one of these phallic shaped burgers, you know exactly what he means.




HUMOR (permalink) 03.29.2001
look at the brain on jane
my sister-in-law told me a story about a friend of hers who wanted to go out and eat at mcdonalds (addictive agents in the fries and all) but didn't have any jack. so what's a girl to do? make a tuna and salsa sandwich, pretending it's a royal with cheese? i thought not as did this enterprising young lady. her solution involved going to her pantry, pulling a gob of canned goods off the shelf, cleaning off the lids (smart move) and returning them to her local grocery. HmmmmMmmmm! this IS a tasty burger.




HUMOR (permalink) 03.27.2001
what market group are you after?
Last night at blockbuster while waiting to check out, I found myself perusing their 8-slot magazine rack. On the bottom shelf sitting side by side I spied one of the most resounding examples of polar opposites I've ever witnessed. Forget ying and yang, heads or tails, I have the modern diametric icon that is certain to define this new and unsure century … Mary-Kate and Ashley and Trick Daddy.




HUMOR (permalink) 02.27.2001
Ford, schmord. I don't need no stinkin' truck.
Man, this guy gives new meaning to pushing the envelope. I'm still laughing at myself for some of my precarious trips home from the hardware store compared to this guy.




HUMOR (permalink) 02.07.2001
I once entered the pinewood derby
Nothing needs to be said about this offering other than receiving nuggets like this is what keeps me in my email.




HUMOR (permalink) 12.03.2000
suckessories
if you detest the successories phenomenom even a fraction as much as myself, you should enjoy the effort of despair.com. they took the very necessary dilbert/far side/doonesberry approach to this laughable exercise.

featuring corporate favorites such as AgonyDefeatFailureIneptitudeLosingMediocrityMistakesPessimismProcrastination,  and of course Stupidity  despair.com has taken the motivational artform to new levels.




HUMOR (permalink) 10.19.2000
oh do i love this guy
any of you who read, and enjoyed, my letter to the tivo corporation ought to love this guy. this is a complaint published by the times that was written to some bank. this is great, great humor which i wish i could claim as my own, but as it stands the author is unknown.




HUMOR (permalink) 09.19.2000
Do you work next to this guy or are you this guy?
For those that do not work in the technical world, this (syndrome.mpg - 417kb) should provide you with a glimpse into the highly-charged and competitive workplace many of us call our career.

Clip complements of productivity.org, a friends hobby and time-sync.




HUMOR (permalink) 08.17.2000
It will be a cold day in hell
One of the better email offerings I've run across. Betcha never thought that getting shut down by a girl would get you an A on the mid-term. Don't give up on it because of the heady sciency school like feel. The good part is at the end...I can't believe he used her name.




HUMOR (permalink) 05.25.2000
Dr. Laura Lessthandirt memo
Could there be a more hypocritical and closed-minded voice out there? Here is a pretty good letter to the self-proclaimed pundit and moralist Dr. Laura. She's the only perfect person who a) let some illicit fling take naked pictures of her and b) let them publish them on the web. good work.




Monorail Archives
View A Random Post
Current Monorail
 
Welcome Professional MonoRail TroyScripts Gallery